Wanting What You Didn’t Want

I looked my sweet daughter in her big brown eyes today. My own filled with tears. She is among the most precious of my earthly treasures.

Immediately my mind flashed back to almost exactly three years ago.

I was pregnant. I was angry.

I miscarried. (read the post for details of that journey).

Three weeks later… to the day, I found out I was pregnant again.

I didn’t feel any more ready to be pregnant. (Mind you, we were actively working against pregnancies from occurring! Obviously with little success that’s a whole different blog). My son was only ten months old. Ah! But miscarrying Zoe had been a real heart-cleanser.

I took the news of this new baby a little better. It was clear that God had a plan bigger for my life than I did… and that it involved another child.

I was not ready. I would not have chosen it. I wouldn’t have picked that timing. I thought I didn’t want this… but was willing to embrace it.

Now I gaze into her precious eyes. Her infectious smile warms my own. Her giggles and glee echo through our home. Her tight-hugged affection and constant kisses fill my life with a void I didn’t know I’d had.

I didn’t know, then, that I wanted what I want now! I’ve heard it so many times… the child that you weren’t ready for ends up being completely irreplaceable. It’s true. I mean, all of my children are irreplaceable. But she is the topping on the cake that finishes it off with decor and flavor.

It’s true.

Okay, she’s only two. And she’s really loud. And messy. And wakes up WAY too early. I’m not saying she’s perfect. But boy does she have an ability to make this momma’s heart tender!

Are there things in your life that you don’t want? What is coming your way that you’d rather didn’t? A child? A job? Broken relationships? Identity crisis?

Sometimes we really need the things we don’t want. Sometimes we end up wanting those things… once we let go of our own selfishness and embrace the gifts God hands us. At least, that was my journey.

What’s yours?


Zoe- One Of Life’s Dear Journeys

Since my goal for this blog is to share life experiences in the hope that they uplift, inspire, and offer hope to others, I decided its time to share the story of Zoe.

Many of you relate to her story and mine. May you find some hope and peace in knowing that you are not alone and that it was not the end.

I found out I was pregnant in July of 2009. I was not thrilled. I had been hoping to have a least one full year after my son’s birth before having any other children. My son was only ten months old. I tried to not be angry because I knew that God had a plan. But I was not happy. I had an ultrasound to confirm that my Dollar Tree test was telling the truth. It was.

We left for Panama and Colombia when I was about five weeks pregnant. During our final days in Panama I began to bleed. The bleeding continued for about a week. I was also losing tissue and feared the words… I was miscarrying. I was totally cut off from my midwife, doctors, and immediate family (other than my husband).

I took the afternoon to be silent before the Lord. But before my silence, I begged Him to not punish this child simply because of my own selfishness. He began to show me how ugly my heart was and He began to clean it up. He spoke tenderly to my soul and said, “This child has life and is named Zoe because “she” has life. You can’t understand what is happening now. I am cleaning house.”

I took those words to mean that through all of the bleeding, this child would live. However, when I got home and visited my doctor, I had a starkly empty womb. The baby had passed away. Knowing that I’d heard God speak, I came home and looked up the meaning of Zoe. This is what I found:

“Zoe means life as a principle, life in the absolute sense, life as God has it, that which the Father has in Himself, and which He gave to the Incarnate Son to have in HImself… and of this life men become partakers through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.”

-Vines Complete Expository Dictionary.

What I realized that day was that God had indeed spoken. Our child is alive… just not in our physical world. Though He removed “her” little body from this planet before the first breath, her life did not end there. It continued on into eternity and she continues to live.

Who knew that such a small child… too small to see with the naked eye, could change my life so profoundly?

One month to the day later I found out I was pregnant again (all the while trying not to get pregnant! Clearly I’m ridiculously fertile). We saw that God had plans far larger than our human minds could fathom this side of Heaven. Though I didn’t feel any more ready to be pregnant again, my heart was so restored and redeemed that I anticipated this child with a newfound sense of purpose. God had so intimately prepared the soil of our family that indeed He must have a calling for this young life (and ours).

My daughter was born to us one month after Zoe would have been born. In her stead, we are able to love and receive our daughter with gratitude. Zoe’s life, physical death, and continued spiritual life were not in vain. We look forward to meeting her in all her glory on the other side.