Today is November 1st.
That means that as I wake up this morning, I am already feeling the joy and pressure of this entire month.
NaNoWriMo has begun. PiBoIdMo has begun. Two of my favorite events of the entire year.
And I’m not ready. Well, I AM ready for PiBoIdMo. I’m NOT ready for NaNoWriMo.
And I should have gotten EVERYTHING on my to-do list done. Now it has to sit there for a month.
But I digress.
November 1st also happens to be a SATURDAY. A day AFTER Friday 🙂 Since I didn’t get to it yesterday, it’s November 1st. And so begins this day (and month) ‘o writing with an unedited, five minutes on my thoughts about leaving.
Fitting, isn’t it?
This one word can suitably sum up much of my existence.
I have been left.
I have left.
Many times not.
He left our family for three years. I was young and innocent, yet my memories were full of yelling and slamming doors and eating to comfort myself. He came back but my heart was changed.
Two preschools, two kindergartens, two elementary schools, two junior highs… almost two high schools but I put my foot down firm, and He made a way. But by then I was hooked. Four colleges/universities.
Eight moves in eleven years.
I have said my fair share of goodbyes.
Either these things shaped my wiring, or God wired me and put me in the right home setting. Since then I’ve moved more times than I can count. My first high school trip to Mexico opened my WORLD to travel beyond the confines of a city, or the rearranging of a bedroom.
Thirty-four countries later and I’ve been as many places as I am old.
The He said, “Get rooted.” What the? Rooted? Why? What does that mean?
Terror. Grief. Confusion.
This time a dream was left.
Five years. Five years of waiting, wondering, rooting.
It was hard.
It was amazing.
It was absolutely why I can live in Germany as a missionary after God’s own heart.
Because I needed the flock.
I need the flock.
And now I get it. I get staying.
But He still hasn’t called me to it.
My leaving has only grown more sophisticated. Involves four children now. And husband. With people I love on multiple continents.
“Family” in Paraguay. Guatemala. Colombia. America. Canada. Germany. Sweden. Italy. Switzerland.
No matter where I am, I’m not with all of them.
And if I stay… they still leave. Because my people are God’s people. Called to the uttermost parts of creation.
And “goodbye” never gets easy.
But peace in my heart transcends the pain of leaving. Because HE is worth it. And joy is worth it. And sometimes the best things in life spring up from the pain of obedience. From the pain of a “goodbye.” Goodbye for now.
Because I know we are weary and joyful travelers, from inn to inn, until that day we all arrive at our final destination.
And we never have to leave again.